so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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