I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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