i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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