I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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