Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
