You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Two words: nipple clamps
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