Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i think my tv is drunk
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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