I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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