you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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