he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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