Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
