The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
