Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
