You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
zippers are such a cool invention
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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