I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
