Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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