my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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