I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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