Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
