I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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