I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
