Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
