Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
