dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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