i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
