im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
