highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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