her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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