Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
