happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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