I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
