i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
