Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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