that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
