Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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