we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
