Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
