I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
