so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Randomize