Dude my mom stole all your condoms
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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