I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
