Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
