PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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