We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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