Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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