i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
