one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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