Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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