I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
