Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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