If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
