In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
