If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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