Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
