Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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