dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
