Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i've created a new STD.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize