At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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